It’s only been a couple of months since I last entered my Alma Mater, USTHS, but I don’t really get why I keep missing it every single time I look at the ceiling and think what the hell I really did with my life… What did I do with my life? Did I live it to the fullest in 16 years? Or did I just throw away all the “okay” chances and tried to risk perfecting every imaginable circumstance possible? Though it may seem as though the former is what I did due to some of my successes and triumphs, in actuality, (and because I can’t think of another word to make this sentence work…) “I fucked up my life.”

It isn’t actually that negative (well, it is.) because these past months, I’ve been able to cherish every moment I’ve had with my friends in High School. I’ve been able to grasp every moment I can spare just to be able to reminisce the moments that I’ve had before and of course to catch up with their lives. It turns out that most of my friends have already transcended the “adjustment period” while here I am, still hoping for some damn miracle to happen (yeah, winning the lottery is a miracle). I learned a lot about their lives including a friend of mine who goes on with life believing that BS Psychology is the course for her while she struggles with current course which is AB Communication Arts. I mean, her course isn’t that bad, perhaps she just lost the passion to pursue it and dedicated herself to the pursuit of different endeavors. In addition, she’s moved on with her love. One she held on to for a little more than four years only to find out that the person she secretly loved has already fallen in love with another. It was a sad story and I found it difficult to give her advice so I told her a piece of my story (and we’ll get to that long story soon…)

Anyway, another friend of mine recently had their real estate built in this subdivision in our country. The house was fully furnished and I was shocked to have known that yet again, a friend of mine’s looks deceived me! I just thought that this friend of mine was a simple man (and he still is) living in this world just like me with dreams of finishing his BS Architecture in the school I still hope to go into. But I was wrong for the day after we had this trip to his house; I found out that his mom was like some part-owner of some gas company. Talk about rich eh? But yet again he doesn’t speak much of it for he only jokes around and seemingly is carefree in life, possibly just wanting to be famous is what he wants to be (StainlessChamporado in Youtube, better subscribe  to that!).

My other friends, on the other hand, are also doing well for themselves and even though we’ve all gone different paths, we’re still connected and actually growing together as adults! We’re like those stories in TV that when you see, you won’t believe, but then again, we’re doing it! We’re actually growing together and believing we can be successful in the different roads that we want to pursue! Perhaps, the only difference that we have is that I still haven’t accepted my fate and they have. This High School to College transition is totally taking its toll on me and I could say I’ve had a lot of grumpy days due to “tedding” (overthinking). I guess my love for “The Royal and Pontifical University of Santo Tomas” will never change. I guess that as long as this heart pumps black, gold and white, I shall forever sing my Alma Mater’s hymn. 

Today’s post is all about a single word that I wish to reiterate (or perhaps just say to the people that’s been making my life feel like hell for the past months) and that word is Responsibility. Actually, make that, Patience. Or perhaps, I’ll just reiterate both those that I have mentioned. (Add Consistency please)

Just to make this post clear, yes this post is about my continually growing loathing to my current school and yes, I have no choice but to go to this school due to financial problems and other complexities that I will discuss as I go through today’s post. And with that, here I go.

Back in October, I had this brief discussion with my mom about my course (BS Psychology) and in the middle of the discussion, I cried my heart out after my dad told me something that pierced right through my heart. I don’t blame my dad for what he said. I don’t blame anyone for forcing me to believe Nursing is the right track that I should have taken instead of Psychology. I actually blame myself for what happened that day, and I’ve taken that to notice just recently because of the difficulties I’m experiencing with my school. It’s not the difficulties you might think (academics, relationships, transportation aka the usual stuff), it’s actually about the school itself. The culture, the growing herd of sociopaths, hypocrites and desperate cults and of course the administration itself is what I’m talking about here, and to tell you honestly, my loathing continually grows even more as I realize that my current school continually brags about their students who are just smart and patient unlike the administration. In all fairness, the students who get Magna Cum Laude or Summa Cum Laude are really deserving to get them yet I truly wonder why this school continually gets that honor and love it deserves from the students. Are the students blind? Is the administration deceiving? Or am I just crazy enough to criticize what the hell is happening whilst not even lasting a full year in my school? I guess I won’t know the answer to that one, but what I do know is I won’t be blinded, deceived nor fooled. As long as this mind struggles to find loopholes to my school’s growing corruption, I will not falter except of course if they kick me out. IF they ever do kick me out, I can actually thank them, I’ll be gone from the grips of their already irresponsible and disastrous administration which continues to downpour inconsistency. BUT if they don’t decide to kick me out, I guess I’ll continue to respond to whatever challenges they give me whilst of course given extremely negative responses UNLESS of course they give us students the consistency and proper allocation of time we need. I won’t blame them if they don’t give us my(our) requests(at least from the people I’ve heard), ‘cause in totally we don’t have the right to complain, we’re going to a school that “provides our Tertiary Education for free!” That’s what my professors always say but I don’t care anymore; it’s like they’re saying that when they get a higher wage, they’ll work harder and start giving us our grades on time(not a day, two days, three days or a week late). What’s happening to me currently is so stereotypical of probably all the public institutions in my country ‘cause without a higher pay, these institutions that brag so much about their high quality won’t give you a high quality of facilities, more less treatment and hospitality(unless of course if it concerns foreigners, I’ll give ‘em that.)

Just so we’re clear again, my school is a State University that the Commission on Higher Education (of my country) considers as the 13th best school in my country (if I’m not mistaken) in terms of quality of education and yet I’m having problems with it. This goes to show that you can’t always believe in polls. I guess you really do have to experience it to believe it. And yet here I am! So helpless ‘cause I love my parents too much and I need to make sure they don’t get too much stress from paying bills from another school that probably offers much better quality(in terms of treatment, consistency and responsibility) than my current one. What can I do right? I ain’t payin’ for all the stuff I’m using so I just follow ‘em. No buts.

I’m sick and tired of all this stuff in my school. Sometimes, I just want to let go and give up but I can’t. Even though I want to I just can’t! For my mother and father’s suffering for me to reach my current level is more than what I’m experiencing right now! So with all this, I shall endure all the high-school like policies, relentless reprimands, severe degradation of my capabilities, patience-testing change of schedules, much more patience-testing 2 or 3 hour waits for my professor to give me the only grades I need that day and of course, all the unbearable rants and doings that are against my pride all for my parents. 

My school in high school that I still currently love has given me as they call it Unending Grace. Yet, Where is my Unending Grace? Still within my heart I hope for I shall fight for my two former Alma Maters and for the people the continually strive to keep me from giving up. So help me God.