In my 16 years in life, I’ve realized a lot of things, a lot of virtues, a lot of mistakes and most of all, a lot of regrets yet there is one thing that never really thwarted my mind until my only sister got to my Alma Mater. I maybe exaggerating but I really can’t help getting this feeling that I’m usually left out on acknowledgments whatever the hell I do? Is it really because I’m in the middle of 3 children? Or is it because, I’m the only one who they don’t seem to see? But wait, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want all the attention, I just want them to not treat me as someone who’s invisible.

There are a lot of sayings with regards to being a sort black sheep when being the middle child; a few of these include the “Middle Child Syndrome”, in which the middle child is the black sheep in the whole family (while the other two being perfectly sane and reasonable), the “Middle Child Being Left-out” in most cases in life then having different problems coping up in the long run and the “Bad Future with Middle Children” which is way self explanatory. Those few statements are implying that if you’re a middle child, you will fall whatever the hell you do. Perhaps, it depends in the of parents way of handling children of course, but when in the middle, there’s this feeling of getting a curse y’know and it’s not a good thing. Believe me, I’m a middle child (well you probably noticed that) and it’s hard to be among two people that constantly get attention. Anyway, have you ever wondered why a few, if not most (if not all) of the middle children have those kinds of problems stated above? Well, to give a bit of an insight, I’ll give you a glimpse of what happens in my life.

Ever since I was in Nursery, I’ve tried my very best to honor my parents in such a way that I don’t give a damn about me anymore, what’s for them, I give them. My sister and brother? I don’t really know. I’m not hating on my bro and sis, believe me, I love those guys but it’s just that, I think I’ve been giving way more effort in making them proud and stuff and yet they rarely notice my efforts. It’s like I have to gain a Cum Laude (it’s not impossible but damn is it hard!) before I totally get them to notice me! Another thing, my bro is a soon-to-be-engineer, a dream my father always wanted to achieve but couldn’t due to unforeseen circumstances and what the hell am I? A psychologist! A job that doesn’t have a clear future yet! (I’m sulking on Accountancy now but I’ll get to that soon) And now I’m guessing, the curse is true, that curse wherein I’m the black sheep and the 1st son/daughter will inherit the fortune & responsibility while the 3rd son/daughter will inherit the love & care…

Life in the middle is hard and as you can imagine, I go through a lot everyday to cope through all this but I guess once you’re used to it, being taken for granted won’t really get in your head. Sometimes, it won’t even affect you and all you’ll see yourself doing is living the dream of your parents without regret that you might have to maintain whatever reputation you have with them. Life in the middle is hard but it opens you to the fact that being neutral won’t get you nowhere, you have to prove yourself and be someone to be able to make it out alive.

Today’s post is all about a single word that I wish to reiterate (or perhaps just say to the people that’s been making my life feel like hell for the past months) and that word is Responsibility. Actually, make that, Patience. Or perhaps, I’ll just reiterate both those that I have mentioned. (Add Consistency please)

Just to make this post clear, yes this post is about my continually growing loathing to my current school and yes, I have no choice but to go to this school due to financial problems and other complexities that I will discuss as I go through today’s post. And with that, here I go.

Back in October, I had this brief discussion with my mom about my course (BS Psychology) and in the middle of the discussion, I cried my heart out after my dad told me something that pierced right through my heart. I don’t blame my dad for what he said. I don’t blame anyone for forcing me to believe Nursing is the right track that I should have taken instead of Psychology. I actually blame myself for what happened that day, and I’ve taken that to notice just recently because of the difficulties I’m experiencing with my school. It’s not the difficulties you might think (academics, relationships, transportation aka the usual stuff), it’s actually about the school itself. The culture, the growing herd of sociopaths, hypocrites and desperate cults and of course the administration itself is what I’m talking about here, and to tell you honestly, my loathing continually grows even more as I realize that my current school continually brags about their students who are just smart and patient unlike the administration. In all fairness, the students who get Magna Cum Laude or Summa Cum Laude are really deserving to get them yet I truly wonder why this school continually gets that honor and love it deserves from the students. Are the students blind? Is the administration deceiving? Or am I just crazy enough to criticize what the hell is happening whilst not even lasting a full year in my school? I guess I won’t know the answer to that one, but what I do know is I won’t be blinded, deceived nor fooled. As long as this mind struggles to find loopholes to my school’s growing corruption, I will not falter except of course if they kick me out. IF they ever do kick me out, I can actually thank them, I’ll be gone from the grips of their already irresponsible and disastrous administration which continues to downpour inconsistency. BUT if they don’t decide to kick me out, I guess I’ll continue to respond to whatever challenges they give me whilst of course given extremely negative responses UNLESS of course they give us students the consistency and proper allocation of time we need. I won’t blame them if they don’t give us my(our) requests(at least from the people I’ve heard), ‘cause in totally we don’t have the right to complain, we’re going to a school that “provides our Tertiary Education for free!” That’s what my professors always say but I don’t care anymore; it’s like they’re saying that when they get a higher wage, they’ll work harder and start giving us our grades on time(not a day, two days, three days or a week late). What’s happening to me currently is so stereotypical of probably all the public institutions in my country ‘cause without a higher pay, these institutions that brag so much about their high quality won’t give you a high quality of facilities, more less treatment and hospitality(unless of course if it concerns foreigners, I’ll give ‘em that.)

Just so we’re clear again, my school is a State University that the Commission on Higher Education (of my country) considers as the 13th best school in my country (if I’m not mistaken) in terms of quality of education and yet I’m having problems with it. This goes to show that you can’t always believe in polls. I guess you really do have to experience it to believe it. And yet here I am! So helpless ‘cause I love my parents too much and I need to make sure they don’t get too much stress from paying bills from another school that probably offers much better quality(in terms of treatment, consistency and responsibility) than my current one. What can I do right? I ain’t payin’ for all the stuff I’m using so I just follow ‘em. No buts.

I’m sick and tired of all this stuff in my school. Sometimes, I just want to let go and give up but I can’t. Even though I want to I just can’t! For my mother and father’s suffering for me to reach my current level is more than what I’m experiencing right now! So with all this, I shall endure all the high-school like policies, relentless reprimands, severe degradation of my capabilities, patience-testing change of schedules, much more patience-testing 2 or 3 hour waits for my professor to give me the only grades I need that day and of course, all the unbearable rants and doings that are against my pride all for my parents. 

My school in high school that I still currently love has given me as they call it Unending Grace. Yet, Where is my Unending Grace? Still within my heart I hope for I shall fight for my two former Alma Maters and for the people the continually strive to keep me from giving up. So help me God.